The NBA Preview Edition, 2k7-8

...or, while wondering what ever happened to Dennis Johnson:

It’s all about Kobe. But then again, it always is. But this season, Kobe has more say than ever about where the Larry O’Brien Trophy will reside, come June of ’08. Put him in Chicago, Dallas, Phoenix or Detroit and they win a ring – no doubt about it. Put him anywhere else and you have an instant contender, a team strong enough to throw a wrench in everyone’s bracket. With Chris Webber waiting to see how things shake out and Juwon Howard – and possibly even Antoine Walker – about to be cut loose by the Timberwolves, the winning suitor may be in for a windfall of signings. But maybe not. The main problem with Kobe is that he’s Kobe. He is selfish, immature and obnoxious. Always will be. His primary complaint with the Lakers is that they are not surrounding him with enough talent. Problem is, nobody wants to play with him. The instant Kevin Garnett was traded to the Celtics, Danny Ainge’s phone started ringing off the hook with agents trying to get their guys to Boston. Same thing happens every year in Phoenix, with Steve Nash and, to a lesser extent, Dallas with Dirk Nowitzki. Guys will take less money just to play with those guys. There has not been a single free agency acquisition in LALand since the departure of Shaquille O’Neal. They kept the wrong guy. While Kobe Bryant is perhaps the most talented player in the league, Shaq was, is and forever shall be the most irreplaceable player in the league. And whereas the Lakers are worse off now than they were the day they traded Shaq, in three years, this team will be better than they are today with Kobe…Another storyline that could have ripple effects in the coming years is the number of guys eligible for extensions that have not yet signed. The list includes Andre Iguodala, Luol Deng, Ben Gordon, and Hakim Warrick…Our dark horse team this season was to have been the Charlotte Bobcats. Then they lost both Sean May and Adam Morrison. We’re that good. We can torpedo a squad before they even set foot on the court...Our guess is that Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor is hot on the trail of the negatives Kevin McHale's been lording over him all these years so, in a preemptive strike, 'ole Frankenstein made that sweetheart deal with the C-Men, so he'll have a comfy landing place when he's booted from the Land 'o Lakes.

On to the Annual Pre-Season Awards and Useless Predictions:

First coach to be fired: Maurice Cheeks, Philadelphia 76’ers -- In the first season AAI (After A.I.), the team will be younger, less experienced and more mistake-prone than a squad that was pretty bad last season. Who better to coach in that situation than The Greatest Basketball Mind of Our Time? The fact that he’s already the Sixers’ VP of Basketball Operations doesn’t hurt, either.
Don't be shocked if it's: Snake Boy Thomas, New York Knicks. If they start slow, Jim Dolan will not hesitate to pull the trigger on Isaiah. The only reason he hasn’t yet, despite the extension he gave Thomas last season, is because if he did it, it could affect the appeal of the sexual harassment suit they just lost. If the team stumbles early, that will give Dolan the excuse he needs.
Last year's pick: Bob Hill, Seattle SuperSonics – Who miraculously made it through the 31-51 season. Then got axed.

Breakout season coming from: Andrea Bargnani, Toronto Raptors – Nice game, solid fundamentals and has had time to shake off the cultural changes. We expect big things from him this season.
Don't be shocked if it's: Devin Harris, Dallas Mavericks – Long-term deal and starting job in hand, this is the season we see if he’ll be a top-flight point guard in this league.
Last year's pick: Gerald Wallace, Charlotte Bobcats – Yeah, about that…


We give up on: Darko Milicic, Memphis Grizzlies – OK, we were wrong. But so was everyone else who thought this guy was going to be a stud. It just took us a year or three longer to come to our senses.
Last year's pick: Jim Jackson, most recently of the Los Angeles Lakers – One of our faves has finally faded into the great beyond of involuntary retirement.

We still say he's a star-in-the-making: Andre Iguodala, Philadelphia 76’ers – Put him on a team with talent and he’s a monster.
Last year's pick: Gordon Giricek, Utah Jazz – Yeah, about that…

Best off season, team: Boston Celtics – Irrelevant for decades, overshadowed by the banners of the Patriots and Red Sox, plagued by the mismanagement of Danny Ainge, this franchise was a shadow of its former self. Then they picked up Ray Allen. Then Kevin Garnett. While Ray-Ray and Ticket won’t deliver a ring just yet, the Boston Celtics matter again.
Last year's pick: Toronto Raptors – Who went on to the best season in franchise history, in their first year under Bryan Colangelo’s management.

Worst off season, team: New York Knicks – Their owner and coach were found guilty of sexual harassment, their two best players are the legally-insane Steve Francis and Zach Randolph and Kevin Garnett just joined a division opponent.
Last year's pick: New York Knicks – They got rid of The Greatest Basketball Mind of Our Time. And we told you what would happen.

Best off season, fans: Boston Celtics -- For all the aforementioned reasons. It really can't be understated how great this off season was for Boston. One of the five truly passionate sports cites gets their professional basketball franchise back. (The other four are Philadelphia, Chicago, New York and Cleveland)
Last year's pick: Golden State Warriors – Who were led by Don Nelson to their first postseason birth in 13 years and an opening round smackdown of the best team in the league.

Worst off season, fans: Seattle SuperSonics – First Ray-Ray gets traded for Wally the Waterboy, Delonte West and Jeff Green. Then it is virtually assured that the team will be moving to Oklahoma City by next season. Oh yeah, they also lost Rashard Lewis, replacing him with 397 year-old Kurt Thomas. And to coach this mess? P.J. Carlesimo.
Last year's pick: New York Knicks – We love LB that much.

Best off season trade: The Boston Celtics acquiring Kevin Garnett, without having to part with Paul Pierce or Ray Allen.

Worst offseason trade: Golden State dealing Jason Richardson to the Bobcats for the draft rights to Brandan Wright. What were they thinking?

Sam Cassell Award for he who will bitch the loudest this season about the contract he voluntarily signed: Shawn Marion, Phoenix Suns -- We saw signs of his growing discontent three years ago and it has not gotten better since. They need to move this guy quick, before he kills their locker room.
Last year's pick: Latrell Sprewell – who ended up not being signed by anyone.

Shawn Bradley Award for most undeserved contract given to a free agent: Calvin Booth, Philadelphia 76’ers. $5M over two years gets you 3.5ppg, 2.9rpg and 1.03bpg. Said the aparently stoned GM Billy King, “He’s been proven”. Yeah, to suck.
Last year's pick: Adonal Foyle, Golden State Warriors – Who has since been bought out. He subsequently signed with the Orlando Magic.

Tyron Lue Award for he who will turn three good playoff games into a ridiculous long-term contract: Jason Kopono, Miami Heat – Who scored $25M over five years in Toronto. But those are Canadian dollars. Oh, wait, their dollars are worth as much as ours now.
Last Year’s Pick: Damon Jones, Miami Heat to Cleveland Cavaliers – Who cashed in – and checked out.

Penny Hardaway Award for most overrated player in the NBA: Luol Deng, Chicago Bulls – This is the guy that’s a deal-breaker in any potential Kobe trade? You’ve got to be kidding us.
Last year's pick: Andre Kirelenko, Utah Jazz – who went on to lead them to a Cinderella season. We still say Kirelenko is Russian for, “soft” though.

Fashion Award – Atlanta Hawks, by default. Their redesign from this to this, while still an improvement over this, looks like what you would get if you went to the local sporting goods store and said, “I have $500 with which to outfit my intramural rec league team. Make us something nice.” Clean lines, red, white and blue color scheme. Nothing flashy. Nothing to get excited about either. Other than U-F-er. Though we are glad they got rid of this, which looked just a little too much like this, in favor of this, even though it too looks like it was designed down at Oshman's.
Last year’s pick: Thank goodness for the addition of the vertical stripe to the uniforms of the NBA Referees. Had they stayed with this, we would have been forced to reward the Milwaukee Bucks for changing from this to this. Blech!

All-Jobless Team, as of 29 October:
PG – Rafael Araujo
SG – Aaron McKie
SF – Chris Webber
PF – P.J. Brown
C – Danny Fortson
Sixth Man: Jalen Rose
Coach: The Greatest Basketball Mind of Our Time

Rookie of the Year: Kevin Durant, Seattle SuperSonics
Don't be shocked if it's: Al Horford, Atlanta Hawks
Last year's pick: LaMarcus Aldridge, Portland Trail Blazers – who promptly got hurt.

And the Number One pick in the 2008 NBA Draft belongs to: The Minesota Timberwolves. Repeatedly gutted all postseason,what's left is garbage.
Last year's pick: Seattle SuperSonics.

Where they stand at the start of the season, our initial Power Rankings:

30 Minnesota Timberwolves – Will struggle to compete against NBA teams.
29 Seattle SuperSonics – Lame duck season will be long, painful.
28 Philadelphia 76’ers – Circling the drain until LB comes. Even then, no playoffs.
27 Sacramento Kings – At least they’re getting a new arena.
26 Charlotte Bobcats – Losing May and Morrison ends dreams of first postseason.
25 Los Angeles Clippers – Without Elton Brand, they go nowhere.
24 Indiana Pacers – Not enough talent on the floor or at coach to compete.
23 New York Knicks – When will they Blow This Team Up and start over?
22 Portland Trail Blazers – Oden injury hurts, but still a playoff darkhorse.
21 Los Angeles Lakers – With Kobe it is a zoo; without Kobe, a mess. Pick your poison, Phil.
20 Memphis Grizzlies – Will miss the playoffs because of division matchups alone.
19 Milwaukee Bucks – Ugly unis, unenthused #1 pick, and they must live in Milwaukee.
18 Washington Wizards – Agent Zero and the scrubs. One and done, if that.
17 Atlanta Hawks – Playoff drought ends here. Yes, we’re serious.
16 New Jersey Nets – If healthy, they’re here, if not, in the deep 20’s.
15 Miami Heat – Pat Riley saved their season with his last-minute dealings.
14 Golden State Warriors – Will less injuries this season be offset by loss of J-Rich?
13 New Orleans Hornets – Leaving OKC will hurt. Can Peja’s return compensate?
12 Toronto Raptors – If the Bosh injury lingers, they’re toast.
11 Denver Nuggets – Is this the year they get it together?
10 Cleveland Cavaliers – Still King James and the court jesters. They’ll slip this season.
09 Orland Magic – Great offseason will be rewarded with division crown.
08 Utah Jazz – Turbulent locker room will be managed by Jerry Sloan
07 Detroit Pistons – It’s now or never. With Flip at the helm, our guess is never.
06 Boston Celtics – Don’t believe the hype. Unless ‘Toine, Juwon and CWebb sign.
05 Chicago Bulls – Contender without Kobe, champions with him.
04 Houston Rockets – Their strongest team in years. Can they win in the playoffs?
03 Phoenix Suns – Shawn Marion could single-handedly kill this team,
02 Dallas Mavericks – After last year's playoffs, nothing they do matters until May.
01 San Antonio Spurs – They never win two in a row. Or do they?

And finally, our annual Useless Playoff Predictions:

EAST:

Division Champions: Orlando Magic, Chicago Bulls, Boston Celtics
Should get in: Toronto Raptors, Detroit Pistons, Cleveland Cavaliers
The scrum: Atlanta Hawks, Washington Wizards, Miami Heat, New Jersey Nets
Give the slots to: Atlanta and Miami

Round One:
(1) Chicago over (8) Atlanta
(2) Boston over (7) Miami
(6) Toronto over (3) Cleveland
(4) Orlando over (5) Detroit

Conference Semifinals:
Chicago over Orlando
Boston over Toronto

Conference Finals:
Chicago Bulls over Boston Celtics

WEST:

Division Champions: San Antonio Spurs, Denver Nuggets, Phoenix Suns
Should get in: Houston Rockets, Dallas Mavericks, Utah Jazz
The scrum: New Orleans Hornets, Memphis Grizzlies, Golden State Warriors, Portland Trail Blazers, Los Angeles Lakers.
Give the slots to: New Orleans and Golden State.

Round One:
(1) San Antonio over (8) Golden State
(2) Dallas over (7) New Orleans
(3) Phoenix over (6) Denver
(4) Houston over (5) Utah

Conference Semifinals:
San Antonio over Houston
Dallas over Phoenix

Conference Finals:
Dallas Mavericks over San Antonio Spurs

Your 2007-2008 NBA Champions: The Dallas Mavericks (Over Chicago, in 7)

30 teams...82 games...236,160 minutes of pure roundball bliss!

Life is good

...while wondering what ever happened to LaWanda Page

The NBA Preview Edition is still being tweaked, so we figured we’d throw something out there in the meantime. We’ll be dipping into the Fodder File to bring you the snippets of drivel that for whatever reason never made it to the Big Time. Our own little basement tapes -- our Songs in the Attic, if you will. (Wow -- whoever had 51 in the "How Many Words Until We're Assaulted With Yet Another Extremely Contrived Billy Reference?" pool -- you just won!)...On to the fodder. Some samplings: We always thought the dirtiest thing ever said on network television was, “Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night.” Well, we were wrong. How did we miss this? (Incidentally, while we liked that, nothing will EVER top our all-time favorite commercial)…E-mail of the FF comes from Bill Simmons, The Sports Guy, “My friend Ace had a really good theory about Kurt Warner's apparent resurgence: Yeah, he's 36 years old ... but those are Christian years. Warner never accumulated any of that smoking - drinking - partying wear-and-tear, so he's 36 on paper but maybe 27 or 28 physically. (As opposed to John Daly, who's 41 on paper but 235 years old physically.) It's like how boxers who spend extended stretches in jail are always described as a ‘young 35.’ So maybe Warner's comeback isn't as improbable as it seems.” …Another good e-mail stashed in the FF: "I'm stuck in a prison. I have a 350-pound cellmate who does terrible things to me. He doesn't do them frequently. No. It happens maybe once every six months or so. He holds off just long enough for me to hope things will be different, that it'll never happen again. I have a life sentence with no chance of parole. As does my 350-pound cellmate. And there are additional beds in this cell so God knows what's coming. I'm scared. Of course, I'm not really a prisoner. I lead a seemingly normal life with the exception that I'm a fan of Buffalo sports teams. Could I plead Buffalo-sports related insanity for murdering my dad -- he who bestowed this lifetime of hell upon me? I'm pleading for help. I just want it all to end."…New KCRoyals manager Trey Hillman has made the first addition to his coaching staff, naming as first base coach, former Pirate coach Rusty Kuntz. OK, we realize it’s probably pronounced “Koontz”, but damn…The LADodgers are talking about returning to the Los Angeles Colosseum for a game next season, to commemorate their first home on the Left Coast. The team celebrates 50 years in SoCal next season. Long live the Moon Shot!…This just in from the We Promise We Don’t Make This Shit Up department: Dude named Cevaughn Curtis Jr. broke into Arthur Williams' house in Gainesville, Florida at around 3 a.m. last Saturday morning. Curtis knocked on the door, asked to be let inside but Williams refused. Curtis then tried to force his way into the home. The 75-year-old retired taxi dispatcher, who's been legally blind for the past 61 years, opened fire on the intruder, hitting him in the neck. To paraphrase the great Al Johnson, it just ain’t your day if you can’t break into a house without getting shot by a blind guy…How come shit like this never happens to us on an elevator? It's not your father's Dial commercial…And closing out the Fodder File, we found this quiz on weird laws that we never had the motivation to follow through with in making something out of. So here it is. Amuse yourselves…In new news, the Georgia Supreme Court finally determined that receiving head shouldn’t cost you 20 years in jail. We (among many) ranted on the miscarriage of justice bestowed upon Genarlow Wilson who, when 17 years old, received consensual oral sex from a 15 year-old female classmate. Through the genius of Southern Logic, if he had banged her, it would have been cool, but since it was oral, he had committed felony child molestation and the straight-A, college-bound athlete was convicted and given the maximum sentence. But the fact that he was black and she white had nothing to do with it, of course. The law was subsequently changed and a judge agreed to free Wilson. So the State Attorney General appealed – then refused to let Wilson free pending a decision! Kid sits in jail another eight or nine months, until Friday, when the Supreme Court ruled that he should be freed, citing the change in law. Which is all well and good. But it was a 4-3 decision! What the hell? When released, Wilson was asked what he planned on doing with his life. He replied, “I want to go to college, become a lawyer then get elected to the United States Senate, so I can get my blow jobs in airport bathrooms and still keep my job and freedom.”...In a related story, the citizens of a small town in Louisiana have voted to secede from the state and join Georgia, prompting Governor-elect Bobby Jindal to issue the following statement: "Get to steppin', Jena!"
Until next time,
Paz



PS:Yes, we apologize for the Martin thing -- quite possibly our worst pun ever. Which is saying a LOT.
PPS: How come, when we type in "Michael Irvin mugshot", google images gives us this?

...while wondering what ever happened to Shawn Kemp

So a “sports marketer” in San Diego claims to have provided Reggie Bush with $280,000 while the latter was playing for USC in 2005. Here we go again. So now the Trojans (hee-hee, I said Trojan) are facing forfeiture of games, loss of scholarships and the usual lists of potential sanctions. Nothing will happen to Bush. Now, let us preface all of this by saying that the following rant is not a result of Bush single-handedly killing our fantasy team this season with his poor performance, nor is it residual effect from the disdain we have for the other famous Bush. That being said, here’s how these situations need to be handled: Step one: allow college athletes to receive a modest stipend from the university. The schools make millions and by NCAA rules, no student-athlete may hold a job. While we see the loophole this closes, the truth of the matter is that while an athlete may be receiving a full scholarship, that scholarship does not include such basics as soap, razors and transportation to and from home between semesters. If a kid has to break the rules by accepting a bus ticket, hell, why not just accept cash outright? The system makes cheating a necessity for lower-income students. By paying them a stipend, you can avoid the slippery slope. The only ones who will cheat are the big cheaters who, presumably, are easier to catch. Step two: stop penalizing schools and kids playing on the teams that had nothing to do with cheating in past years. It makes no sense to take away scholarships and post-season births from a team full of players that were in high school at the time of an offense. How then, should sanctions go down? We’ll come back to that. Step three: Stop letting coaches break the rules and then skate away to another school to avoid the rap, while making players sit out a year if they want to do the same. Again, we have a solution for this. Step four: start holding the players accountable when the cheating is on their part. All of this can be accomplished by a few simple revisions to the rules. When a student-athlete signs for his scholarship and stipend, he or she also signs a promissory note stating that if they receive any unauthorized funds while playing, all of their accrued statistics will be negated and they will be made to repay the full amount received, which will be put back into the general academic scholarship fund. A standard clause will be added to NCAA coaching contracts whereby any coach who violates the rules will have any and all sanctions follow him or her, wherever they coach. The new school can either fire the coach or accept the sanctions. Any sanctions involving a ban from postseason play will immediately trigger free agency for all players on the affected team, whereby they can transfer to any school that will offer them a scholarship, with no sit-out period, unless they too were involved with the cheating, whereby their scholarship is immediately revoked and all other NCAA schools are prohibited from offering another. In addition to this, no sanctions shall outlast the last remaining player on a sanctioned team. If the offenses are discovered after all of the violators are gone, then it is not fair to penalize the innocent. If the violations involve university staff but not players, that official will lose their job and the other offenders will be penalized via the above-mentioned clauses. Step five: separate financial and competitive advantage violations. Just because a guy took cash, don’t take away a national championship or Heisman trophy. Conversely, if a team illegally recruits a guy, financial sanctions are not the way to go – take away the fruits of the deed. These changes are the only way to bring any semblance of credibility to the system…We’re torn here when it comes to the MLB playoffs. In the American League, it’s pretty cut and dry: we want the Tribe to win. But over in the NL, what we like to call the Expansion Bowl has us in a quandary. While U-F-er would clearly show Arizona the winner of this series – and we so love to be proven right – as Cleveland Browns fans, seeing the Cleveland Indians beat the (Denver) Colorado Rockies in the Big Dance holds a certain sick appeal. Particularly if it is in a heart-wrenching, extra-inning kind of thing. With a long “drive” to right-center field. And perhaps even a dropped fly ball – a “fumble”, if you will…This item will really only be of any interest – or make any sense to – our Dallas readers. ENOUGH with Carter Albrecht! Back story: mediocre local musician gets drunk, puts a beat-down on his girlfriend, then gets gunned down trying to break into his neighbor’s house. And the flood of sympathy has been ridiculous! It was nauseating for the first week or so, then finally died down. Now there is going to be a Carter Albrecht Memorial Fund Concert. Give me a break! If this guy was a black rapper from South Dallas the story would be how the hip-hop culture is spewing forth violent hood rats. But make it a white guy from North Dallas and it turns into, “awww, he must have had a bad reaction to the patch”. Yes, we’re serious. They are actually trying to blame his actions on a nicotine patch, despite the fact that there is not a single case like that on file. Anywhere…Idiot of the Week goes to Rick Salomon, who was apparently up $250,000 in a poker game with Pamela Anderson. Dude traded in the debt for a kiss. For $250k, that bitch is at least cleaning our apartment…The Dallas Cowboys lost their first game this week. Coincidentally, Terrell Owens said this week that he does not feel he is involved enough in the team’s offense. In a related story, the sun rose in the East this morning…So Jacob Allen goes hiking with his parents and goes missing. He’s autistic! What the hell are his parents doing hiking in the freaking woods with him?!?...Chuck E. Cheese has agreed to limit its food advertising, in an effort to help prevent obesity in children. Yeah, because parents can’t do that, can they?...That’s all we’ve got this week. Coming up next, the NBA Preview Edition!
Until then,
Paz

...while wondering what ever happened to Mitch Williams

When Unga Grog and his brother Ralph started cutting their rocks into spheres instead of squares, named the new invention the, “wheel”, and jacked the price from one fistful of grain to three and a half, the pattern was set. It has not changed since. When a new technology hits the market, it is priced ridiculously high – remember thousand-dollar VCR’s and $800 microwaves? As the product becomes more popular, production costs decrease and just about everyone who is willing to pay top-dollar already has one of said gizmo, the price starts to fall. The technological advances of the last quarter-century have only accelerated this process, as we as a society seek immediate gratification in every conceivable way. As a result, the time between a product’s release and the time that all the people willing to pay top-dollar own one has shrunk. To oh, about three weeks. Take the iPhone. We all saw the video of people sleeping outside the mall for a week before the release date, bounding proudly out the door to show the world their new toy, acting like the thing can call Jesus if they wanted it to. This is the geek factor. There are people that will pay anything to have the latest and greatest. Fast-forward about a month and Apple slashes the cost of the iPhone. And people who bought at the release price start griping. How is this a surprise? Anyone with a third-grade education knows that the price is going to go down. “But”, they said, “it was too soon after the release date.” Dude, if they did it the next day we’d have been cool with it. You pay a premium to be the Joneses. And even had they known the price would be cut 200 bucks in less than a month, we guaran-damn-tee you every one of those idiots would have still been sleeping in the parking lot. Well, Idiot of the Week Dongmei Li, of Queens, NY is suing Apple for Price Discrimination. Is that even a real thing? Anyway, she is seeking $1 Million in damages because, due to the $200 price cut, she, “cannot resell the product for the same profit as those who bought the cellphone following the price cut.”, which brings two questions to mind: 1) Has this chick ever bought a car? 2) She honestly expected to sell her iPhone for $999,401.00? If so, please send the buyer to our house. We have an Atari 2600 and a Betamax we’re looking to sell…This edition marks the end of an era. For today we cast aside the much-heralded, yet strangely under appreciated Uniform Theory. We’ve held fast and true to the Theory for many years now, but its time has past. After all, mere theories are for trivial things, like gravity and relativity. When one is in possession of such a vast body of evidence as exists with the Uniform Theory, we have entered into the realm of Fact. So heretofore, the Uniform Theory shall be referred to as the Uniform Fact, Evidenced in Reality, or U-F-er, for short. What tipped the scales, you may ask? Well U-F-er comes about because of two simultaneous occurrences in the world of professional sports couture. First, as mentioned several weeks ago, Major League Baseball’s Arizona Diamondbacks finished the 2006 season with a record of 76-86, good for last place in the National League’s Western Division. After an off season uniform redesign from this to this, the division champion D’Backs finished the 2007 season 90-72, the best record in the National League. As if this was not enough for
U-F-er, we have proof of a Reverse Effect! The 2006 San Diego Chargers, clad in this, finished the season with an NFL-best 14-2 record. The 2007 edition, dressed like this, sits in last place, with a record of 1-3. Theory? We think not…Speaking of the diamond, we congratulate the Philadelphia Phillies on the greatest September comeback in the history of Major League Baseball. With 17 games remaining, the Phightin’s were seven games back in the NL East. While a Mauchian collapse on the part of the Mets was necessary to make the comeback possible, let us not discount the fact that the Phillies went out and won the games they needed to, sweeping the Amazin’s twice and losing only one divisional game, while going 13-4 down the stretch, to net their first postseason appearance since their 1993 World Series loss to Toronto…We think OJ got set up. Now, this doesn’t mean we think he’s innocent. No, he’s guilty as, well, OJ. What we think happened though is that someone, knowing Orenthal is an idiot, gave him an opportunity to do just that. They set up a situation whereby he probably really did think the memorabilia in that Vegas hotel room was stuff that originally belonged to him. Then everyone just sit back and watched him screw himself. Our guess for mastermind? That would be Fred Goldman. Can’t you just picture him waiting for the report. “What? That dumb fucker brought a gun!!! And then didn’t let anyone out? !! And it’s all on tape!?!?!? wooHOO!!!!!” Even though we’ll probably never be able to prove it, we are officially retiring the Stud of the Week award and renaming it the Fred Goldman Award. The only thing that could even come close to being this evil, yet deserved would be Bridget Moynihan naming her and Tom Brady’s kid Payton.* No, she didn’t. But it would have been funny.
And finally, as we put finger to key wrapping up this 50th online posting, the gang (of one) would like to thank you for taking this strange journey with us.
Until next time,
Paz

*Editor's note: The Bridget Moynihan/Baby Payton idea was shamelessly borrowed from espn.com's The Sports Guy, Bill Simmons. We thank him.