...while wondering what ever happened to Matthew Wilder

EDITOR'S NOTE: If you have a myspace account, log onto it in another window and minimize, as some of the hyperlinks go to our personal photo album, located there. If not, no biggie, as only a few of the links go there.

2007 comes to an end and, lemmings that we are, here we sit, to give our take on the year that was.

We’ve lost one long-term friend by choice, reconnected with two others, by chance. We have been on some truly horrific dates, a few decent ones and one very special one…that came to nothing. We left a job we hated, found one we love. The Scatterkid started high school the day we started the new gig. (Of the two, the job has started much better.) Our Mavs were on the wrong end of the biggest gag job in NBA history, our Phillies made the playoffs for the first time in a generation and our Browns squeaked into the postseason. Or not. (Tonight’s Titans/Colts game will tell the tale). We’ve read some great books, seen some good flicks. Death hasn’t touched anyone this year who we hold dear. And we enter the new annum in good health. We’re gradually accepting our relegation to Dallas (the water in that picture is only there when it rains) and have lain a good foundation upon which to build a happy life. Now it’s on us…

As for the world, well it’s as screwed as ever. And with 2008 being an election year, it’ll only get worse before it gets better. We had fires and famine, shooting sprees and spectacular splits. Jesus is running for president -- and He's trailing a guy who's been married three times, favors abortion rights and gun control -- and is a Republican. Strange days, indeed.

Before before we dole out the end-of-the-year awards, we need to vent on two things. First, "Two Girls One Cup" is fake. While we enjoy all the reaction videos as much as anyone else -- and our initial reaction was very similar -- people, it was ice cream. Now the initial "dispensing", was clearly real. Granted, it had aparently been recently placed in the dispensing unit, as evidenced by the force with which it was ejected. But then the tape is visibly spliced before the eating begins. And the texture clearly changes. The vomiting, well, that's pretty hard to fake, but c'mon. They were not eating what they wanted you to think they were eating. Second, a woman rebels against the government and society as a whole in an Islamic country -- and we're shocked that she gets killed? Why? Benazir Bhutto's killing was sad. But shocking? Not at all. The fact that anyone in this country could find it so is further proof that we as a nation do not understand the cultures of the Middle East, nor the politics and need to LEAVE.

On to the awards:

Couple of the Year:

3. Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson
Anything that makes Cowboy fans freak out is inherently good. The fact that one of their two losses (against 13 wins) came while Miss Chicken of the Sea was present caused an absolute uproar. Giggle, we did.

2. Anna Nicole Smith, Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead
21st-century American society at its finest: Cokehead ex-stripper bangs old man for his money, he croaks, she has a really disturbing relationship with her son, he dies as she has a kid -- but doesn't know who the Daddy is. She then dies, leaving said infant as the Golden Child. And a nation waits with baited breath to see whodababydaddy. Nice.

1. Lindsay Lohan and her crack pipe
Need we say more?

Most Inspiring:

3. Genarlow Wilson.
--Dude spends two years in prison for some bullshit and comes out saying all the right things. We wish him well.

2. Wesley Autrey
--This 51 year-old construction worker was waiting for his train one morning when 19 year-old Cameron Hollopeter has a seizure and falls onto the tracks. With the subway barreling down the rails, Autrey dove on top of the stricken Hollopeter as the subway rolled over them. Both walked away unscathed. The Wesley Autreys of the world are what keeps us from being convinced we as a society are doomed.

1. Liviu Librescu
--A professor at Virginia Tech, he blocked the door to his classroom with his body, sacrificing his life so that all but one of his students could flee to safety through the window. Having survived a Nazi concentration camp, Dr. Librescu ends up dying at the hands of a jackass with more bullets than sense. His entire life was an example for us all.

Most Disturbing:

3. Keith Richards
--Who revealed that he had snorted his father's ashes. Intentionally.

2. Neil Diamond
--Who revealed that Sweet Caroline was written about Caroline Kennedy. When she was like eight.

1. The Skatterkid's little half-brother
--Getting caught spanking one out to...The Golden Girls. This coming right off the heels of us getting this when googling Bea Arthur. Yes, these two incidents are completely unrelated and no, we were not looking for anything remotely like that.

Persons of the Year:

3. Al Gore
--Politics aside, the guy is passionate about the environment and is truly making an effort to leave the world a better place than he found it. Do we want him as president? Hell no! But we do like his dedication to saving the planet.

2. The military.
--Wars are comprised of young men fighting old men's battles. While we do not think we should be actively engaged in military action in Iraq, we do admire the men and women who are over there, doing what they think is right, in the belief that they are doing it for all of us. And we feel the same for the young men on the other side as well, who are dying for what they think is right. Hopefully this all ends soon and the loss of life ends.

1. The Scatterkid
--Being a teenager is an impossible feat these days. The drama, stress and danger are exponentially greater than even as recently as when she was born. She has an inherent grace and goodness within her that we know will win out in the end. She gives meaning to our days and hope for our future. In short, she's the best thing that could ever happen to a parent.

Most Missed:

3. Kurt Vonnegut
--It's one thing to rant against the establishment; it's entirely another to have something to say while doing it. The voice of a generation. And a phenomenal writer.

2. Luciano Pavarotti
--We consider ourselves blessed to have been able to see greatness in person on occasion. We saw Carlton pitch; we saw His Airness fly; we went to a Sinatra show. We never saw Pavarotti perform in person. And we're less for it.

1. Boris Yeltsin
--The other half of the collapse of the Soviet Union. Without his skill, will and guidance, the demise of the USSR devolves into armed conflict.

Movies of the Year:

3. The Savages
--A blatantly honest, simple tale about familial duty and the realities of midlife. Philip Seymour Hoffman provides a remarkably restrained performance that reminds us yet again why he is one of our favorite actors.

2. No Country for Old Men
--Money, guns and deceit. Tommy Lee Jones yet again playing Tommy Lee Jones. And yet it all worked, in a really original way. Unbelievably graphic, but all within context. A good, dark, funny, violent, interesting film.

1. LustCaution
--Ang Lee's WWII period piece takes place in Japanese-occupied Shanghai and tells the tale of a masochistic pawn and an initially-innocent, eventually empowered mistress. The tale is told slowly and Lee again shows a talent at depicting "non-traditional" sexual congress in a way that does not overpower the story at hand.



Music of the Year:

3. Voxtrot, "Voxtrot"
--Every Day in and of itself is enough to land this band here. The rest of the album is equally pleasing. One of the better bands you've never heard.

2. Jimmy Eat World, "Chase This Light"
--Although their gradual move from punk/rock roots, through emo to straight pop brings them to the precipice of Journey territory, where if you buy one of their albums, you basically have their entire sound, the strength of lyric keeps them from tripping over. Mix those lyrics with catchy, if somewhat predictable, hooks and they still give one of the better listening experiences of 2006.

1. The Ladybug Transistor, "Can't Wait Another Day"
--I'm Not Mad Enough is hands-down the best song of 2006. California Stopover isn't far behind. Indie-lounge at its best.

Idiots of the Year:

3. Don, "Nappy-headed ho" Imus

2. Britney Spears

1. OJ

The beautiful thing about that list? We don't need to add a single thing to it in order for you to know exactly why its members are there.

Quotes of the Year:

3. "Don't tase me, bro."
--University of Florida student Andrew Meyer, after protesting at a John Kerry speech.

2. "There's only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun and a verb and 9/11."
--Senator Joe Biden (D), Delaware, on the presidential candidacy of Rudy Giuliani.

1. "I have a wide stance."
--Senator Larry Craig (R), Idaho, denying going all George Michael in a Minneapolis airport restroom.

I KNOW I didn't just hear that Quotes of the Year:

3. "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and Iraq and everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our children."
--Lauren Upton, in answer to the question, "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the US on a map. Why do you think this is?" Yeah, we went to high school in South Carolina too. Explains a lot about us, no?

2. "You are a disgusting little pig."
--Alec Baldwin, giving words of encouragement to his daughter, in a voice mail.

1. "Nothing says I love you like a gloc."
--Drew Peterson, in the card accompanying the gift of a firearm, to his wife -- who didn't proceed to kill with it. Riiiiight.


Most Annoying:

3. Amy Winehouse
--What is the fascination with this chick? She's had what, one good album? Yeah, so did Matthew Wilder. Stick around for at least a decade before your meltdown, wouldja?

2. Um-ber-el-a-el-a-el-a-ey-ey-ey...
--At least Who Let the Dogs Out and Hey Ya were good songs that were only annoying because of their sheer pervasiveness. OK, maybe not. Still, this thing was crap coming out of the gate -- and we still couldn't get away from it.

1. Rosie O'Donnell
--Just go away already. You're not funny, not interesting and not in any way entertaining. We don't hate you because you're gay; we don't care if you're gay, nor does most of America. Why is this woman famous?

Best Live Events of the Year (that we attended):

3. Gwen Stefani and Akon, Smirnoff Music Center, Dallas, Tx.
--We actually knew most of the songs, Gwen was hot, Skatterkid got to actually touch her (the restraining order kept us away) and we continued the tradition of an end-of-the-school year outdoor concert.

2. Responsible Johnny, Tom Cats, Dallas, Tx.
--Hey, it was a slow year.

1. Billy Joel, American Airlines Center, Dallas, Tx.
--Having taken mom to see him in NYC in '06, this year we got to complete the circle and take Scatterkid. We heard Root Beer Rag live for the first time and Billy debuted Christmas in Fallujah. But more than anything, it was a really great night with the daughter. We sang along, took lots of pictures and had one of the best concert experiences we've ever been a part of.

In the end, 2007 has been very good to us. As always, we’re not as good as some, but we're better off than many. And that's all one can really hope for. May 2008 shower you with innumerable blessings and true inner peace.

A picture post card, a folded stub
A program of the play
File away the photographs
From your holiday
And your momentos will turn to dust
But that's the price you pay
For evey year is a sovenir
That slowly fades away

Happy New Year!

Until next time,
Paz

...while wondering what ever happened to Blackie Sherrod

As we settle in for Christmas, our favorite holiday and continue the tweaking of our End-of-the-Year Spectacular, a quick rundown of those about whom we wondered this past year. Here’s a recap of our 2007 Scattershot targets and their current whereabouts: Earl Cureton, former NBA baller (Sixers 1982-83 championship team, Pistons, Bulls, Clippers, Hornets, Rockets and Raptors), found working in Michigan for FSN Detroit, handling post-game duties for the Pistons; J. Fred Muggs, former Today Show host Dave Garroway’s sidekick from 1953-57, found living in sin with his girlfriend Phoebe B. Beebe, in Citrus Park, Florida; Doug Williams, former pro football quarterback, (Buccaneers, USFL Oklahoma Outlaws, Super Bowl XXII MVP with the Redskins), found working in the Personnel department for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers; Donna Dixon, supporting actress on Bosom Buddies, Dr. Detroit and many a masturbatory fantasy of your teen aged scribe, found living in Kingston, Ontario with husband Dan Akroyd and their three children; Wendy Jo Spreber, also a co-star in Bosom Buddies and the aforementioned fantasies, found taking the dirt nap in suburban Los Angeles. At the time of her 2005 death from breast cancer, she was 47; Roberto Duran, retired pro boxer (103 [70] – 16 [4]), found living in Panama City, working as a promoter; Craig Ehlo, former Rocket, Cavalier and SuperSonic, and most famous Michael Jordan Poster Child, found working for the Versus network, as lead basketball analyst for the Mountain West Conference; Mike Evans, best-known as Lionel on The Jeffersons was also found dirt napping it too, in Twentynine Palms, California. He was 57 at the time of his 2006 death from throat cancer; The Baha Men, one-and-done’rs with Who Let the Dogs Out, are completely untraceable. Dude -- these cats have fallen off the planet. Apparently they did some Disney work after "Dogs", which, interestingly, was actually a remake. But after that, nothing. So we assume they are still alive in the Bahamas. If anything had happened to them, it would have shown up somewhere; Danny Manning, former roundballer (Clippers, Hawks, Suns, Bucks, Jazz, Mavs, Pistons and the University of Kansas’ 1988 “Danny and the Miracles” National Championship team), found riding the pine as an assistant coach at his Alma Mater, splitting time between that job and his gig as coach of his son’s 7th grade team, the Kansas City Jayhawks; Dennis Johnson, former SuperSonic, Sun and Celtic, and perhaps the ugliest guy to ever play in the Association, found six feet under Gardenia, California. At the time of his death in February of this year, the result of a heart attack, Johnson was 52; LaWanda Page, best known as Aunt Esther on Sanford and Son also found to be taking the Big Sleep, in Inglewood California. When she passed due to complications from diabetes, in 2002, she was 69; Shawn “Big Daddy” Kemp, former NBA star, (SuperSonics [6 kids, 4 moms], Cavs [4 kids, 4 moms], JailBlazers [3 kids, 2 moms], Magic [1 kid, 1 mom]), found in New Jersey last week, trying out for the Nets. His chances of landing a contract are about 25%, or significantly lower than the chance he knocked up an usher on the way out of the workout; Mitch Williams, former Major League Baseball pitcher, (Cubs, Phillies, Astros, Angels), found working for Comcast SportsNet Philadelphia, as a Phillies post’game analyst; Santa Claus found damned near everywhere and we mean ev er y where...In new news, congratulations to the University of Kansas football team being the latest manifestation of U-F'er, as we predicted on these pages just a few months ago. Their new duds have scored them their first-ever BCS bowl appearance...And in the vein of being fair, W was right on stem cells. We don't hesitate to rip him when he screws something up, but his prudence in limiting research to the existing stem cells ended up being the right move. Research has proceeded to a point where it appears as though embryonic stem cells are not needed at all to accomplish the goals of the medical community. And given the rapidity with which this became a reality, very little time was lost while the science caught up. Take the number of people that may have died of their respective diseases in the interim, subtract the unborn lives that would have been terminated in the name of research and we probably end up with a wash. The man is very flawed, but occasionally he gets one right...Are we the only ones who think that he looks an awful lot like his illegitimate love child?...And finally, we wish you a Merry Christmas. If you don't celebrate Christmas, accept the sentiment with which it is offered and be joyous. If you do, try to remember why. And be joyous. And as we begin to cast our gaze backward, we leave you with another's look back upon 2007, here.
Until next time,
Paz

...while wondering what ever happened to Santa Claus

People. What the hell?!? Now every year we go on our, “if you’re at a parade in December and there’s a fat guy in red, you’re at a Christmas parade”, rant. This is not that rant. And although we think it’s just being childish to protest Christmas, we do understand the point of those opposed to Christmas parades/decorations/sanctioning by a public entity, when not everyone is a Christian. We get that. We just think there are more important misuses of tax dollars to be concerned about. But as we said, this is not that rant. (hard to tell, we know; but we digress). No, this is about Lowes, winner of the Idiot(s) of the Week award. They are not selling Christmas trees this year. They are selling “holiday” trees. Yeah, that holiday is Christmas! I mean, come on. If you buy a tree in late November/early December, put lights, garland/tinsel, ornaments, shove it up an angel’s ass (or even if you put a star atop), then take it down shortly after the 25th of December – dude, you have a Christmas tree. This is political-correction taken to a ridiculous level. The only people who buy Christmas trees are people who celebrate Christmas. Even if they do not recognize the religious aspect of it, they celebrate the secular holiday it has become. Sow how in the hell could you possibly offend anyone by calling it a Christmas tree? And in an impressive feat, they get the Hypocrite(s) of the Week award, also, for selling "Christmas" trees to Hispanics, but "holiday" trees to the rest of us, as evidenced here...Big BIG props to New Jersey! We give the Garden State much grief for its environmental, “issues”, running through governors like the Spears family does EPT's and the disproportionately-large number of Idiots of the Week we find there, particularly amongst their legislature. But right there is where we give kudos, for New Jersey this week abolished the state-sanctioned murder of its prisoners, finally realizing that the death penalty as currently structured is not a deterrent, costs more than imprisoning someone for life, has been applied in error, resulting in the death of truly innocent inmates and is disproportionately applied as regards gender (male) and race (black). We find it ironic that the guy who is responsible for, “Megan’s Law”, ends up leaving death row because of this and we do feel bad for the family of the victim, but the statement that it sends is the right one. We hope more states follow suit…Our beloved Browns are on the precipice of returning to the NFL playoffs for the first time since returning to the league, and the Ravens were the first team to lose to the 0-13 Dolphins. The pigskin gods were good to us this week…Quote of the week goes to Pete Rose, commenting on the Mitchell Report, “I never thought that anybody would make me look like an altar boy.” That’s a disturbing image, Pete kneeling there during the consecration, whispering to the altar boy next to him, “I got a quarter says he turns it into blood!”…So Texas has cleared the final hurdle to charging a $5.00 cover charge at topless joints, with the money going to rape counseling centers. Because going to a strip club makes you a rapist? Now, we don’t frequent those places – seriously. It’s just not our thing. But c’mon. What’s next, charging a $10.00 cover charge to get into a middle school with the funds going to crack rehab centers?...So Mamma Spears has cancelled plans for her book on parenting. Don’t suppose it has anything to do with her 16 year-old daughter (Jamie Lynn) getting knocked up, or the train wreck that is Britney, do ya? Actually, we think she should go the OJ route and release the book anyway. She could call it, “Good Parenting – If I Did It”…We’re going to cut this edition short, as we need to go out and pick up a few “holiday candelabras”. They used to be called Menorahs.
Until next time,
Paz