...while wondering what ever happened to Charles Nelson Riley

Well, we're a perfect 4-0 through the first round of the playoffs (you'll have to trust us; we were too busy to commit the picks to internet). Let's see how far to earth we can crash this week. We'll go with Seahawks over Packers, Patriots over Jags, Cowboys over G-Men and Bolts over Colts. Can we qualify that pic by adding, "if Antonio Gates plays"? Didn't think so...Sportsmanship Award for the week goes to the Toronto Raptors, who honored opposing player Samuel Dalembert at halftime of their Friday night game. The Sixers forward, originally from Haiti, has lived in Montreal for twelve years and this summer officially became a Canadian citizen...Quote of the week goes to Cleveland Cavalier Drew Gooden, who has a bet with Washington Wizard DeShawn Stevenson that will be lost when either caves in and shaves his beard. "Kimmel and Letterman copied me and DeShawn. Once again, I decide to do something and someone copies."...Idiot of the week goes to a guy in Idaho, name withheld, who was convinced he had the, "mark of the beast" on his hand. So he took a circular saw to it. Then put it in the microwave. Dude -- it was just a blurred-out bar stamp...Continuing this week's culinary section, the What the Hell is Up with That Shit award goes to Joseph Griffin, who had a fight with his girlfriend. So he stabbed her mother -- in the face, killed the girlfriend, then decided it was time for lunch. When police arrived, her ear was in a pot on the stove boiling and a chunk of her was sitting on a plate, knife and fork at the ready. Apparently Griffin doesn't know that humans are better when prepared in the microwave...NYKnick honcho Isaiah Thomas was quoted in the Post as saying he was looking forward to building a championship legacy in Gotham. Dude -- put down the pipe. Just say no...Kudos to Scatterkid for her lightning-like reflexes in tracking down really recent Scattershot target Matthew Wilder. Turns out he co wrote Kelly Clarkson's Beautiful Disaster. That's the name of a song, not a description of her music...So a baby seal walks into a club...Color us remiss in the failure to include an Athlete of the Year award in our 2007 wrap-up. It clearly goes to David "rest it like" Beckham who finally proved that no one in this country will ever, ever, evereverever give a rat's ass about soccer. Now if we can just get someone to figure out how to stop having the WNBA rammed down our throat...Just when we thought it impossible, journalism hit a new low this week with the cover of OK! magazine. Main picture is Britney Spears in a playful little shot with her adorable tykes. Titled, "Last Day with Mommy", it's sub headed, "'I'd die for my children' -- Inside the troubled singer's battle for her little angels". You'd die for them? Unless they get between you and your crack, right? Her battle? Yeah, showing up for drug tests and not running people over is a really outrageous set of expectations. We can see how hard you're trying, Britt. But the cover is redeemed with a sidebar that reads, "Jamie Lynn getting ready for baby." At least we can all share the 16 year-old's special journey thanks to this piece. Of shit...And what the hell is Dr. Phil doing involved in this? And what the hell are we doing wasting our time ranting on it?...If Pat Riley quits as Heat coach this year, having pushed Ron Jeremy aside just to get another ring, in 2006, he loses his place as the only man other than Al Pacino we wish we were...We'd like to thank Dondra West for proving something we've long though to be true -- small boobs kill...So if unwarranted (and yes the double-meaning was intentional) wiretaps are so important to national security, why is the FBI having them cut left and right for failure to pay the damned phone bill? OK, we need all the terrorists to chill for a few weeks until we straighten this out. That's how it works, no?...Robert Lamascus of Frisco, Texas, a high school teacher, this week was sentenced to 10 years in prison for possession of child pornography. So if he actually banged one of the students he would have gotten less time than having nude picture of them. Oh, wait. That only works if the teacher is female...A motion in the English House of Commons has been brought forward that will end the church's reign as the official religion of the "empire". Good start. Now get off me fookin' island!...So Erica Smith, 23, of San Antonio was in a car crash on 16 December. Cops come, put a tarp over the car, where her body remained while they sorted things out. Paramedics come, put her in the bag, zip her up and the coroner comes to get her. He pulls up, wheels her down, moves her onto the table, unzips and gets ready for the autopsy. One problem. Chick was breathing. She died for real the next day, but isn't a pulse, or the lack thereof, being one of the primary indicators of death, be something the EMTs should check -- first?...Talk about being greedy. Gary Zerola, former contestant on ABC's The Bachelor, was arrested for raping two women and is being investigated for the third. Dude had like twenty neurotic, hot, desperate chicks with self-esteem issues throwing themselves at him -- on television, no less -- and he needs to go steal the nookie?...Beth Ann Chester, of Pittsburgh admitted this week that she had had sex with her 14 year-old male student. Let's keep an eye on this and see what kind of sentence she gets. It is interesting to note though that here, nearly a week after the story surfaced, not a single picture of her surfaces during a google search, yet we have no problem pulling up male suspects...We'll say it right here and now. We'll make a Welshman's soccer bet that Terrell Owens suits up and plays against the G-Men this weekend. If you read us regularly, you know what that means...And finally, while we congratulate Rich Gossage for his Hall pass, we still think Jim Rice and Tim Raines should be in.

Until next time,
Paz