...while wondering what ever happened to the Baha Men

People – a little perspective. Please. We have as much love for Man’s Best Friend as the next guy. BUT THEY’RE DOGS!!!! Do us a favor, watch this clip. Now, for every time Allen Iverson said the word, “game”, substitute, “people” and for every time he says, “practice”, substitute, “dogs”. There – that’s what we’ve been reduced to – turning to A.I. as the voice of reason. Thanks, people. Ray Lewis was in on a freaking murder – of a human – and played that season! Guys sell crack to middle-schoolers and get out in six months. You’re telling us this guy deserves three years?!?!…In a related story however, this has got to be the coolest toy on the market right now… While we were horrified that an original member of the “If This Guy Becomes a Maverick, We’re Through With Them” team was contemplating a comeback, we’ve since rethought things and present the top five reasons we want to see Reggie Miller again in the NBA: 5) The Celtics have been so irrelevant as of late that we’ve almost stopped hating them. Reggie’s return will stoke up the hate fire; 4) We won’t have to hear that pubescent voice on TNT three times a week. (Though we do admit he knows his stuff) Dude, if Terry Bradshaw can get rid of an accent and a stutter, you can drop into a falsetto; 3) We can hope for that elusive Reggie and Cheryl in the same place at the same time scenario, finally putting to rest our conviction that they are one person -- a female one; 2) With the Knicks being equally sucky in recent years, Spike needs someone to heckle; 1) He might fail. Alas, t’wasn’t to be. Miller’s comeback plans have been nipped in the bud…Who, you ask, were Reggie’s innaugural temmates? Karla Malone, John Starks, Gary Payton and Bruce Bowen… The coach was Scarface Karl...So Barry Bonds has broken Henry Aaron’s all-time home run record. We wanted to wait until it was over to comment, in the vain hope he would retire at 754. Maybe even 755. Alas, no such luck. Still, as much as we hate the guy, (because he’s an ass, not because of the ‘roids), our caps are tipped to B-Squared. Whether he was on steroids or not, (he was), the fact remains that he hit 756 baseballs some 350 feet+, when thrown at upwards of 90 mph, during in-game situations. The contrast between him and Aaron is what makes this so hard to swallow. Aaron grew up so poor that he and his brother would melt down crayons, filling in bottle caps to give them weight. Then they would use them as, “balls”, and throw them under their Mobile, Alabama street’s only light and swing at them with broomhandles. He never played on a team as a kid, teaching himself how to hit. And he did so cross-handed until his second year of pro ball – with the Negro League’s Indianapolis Clowns. He played the game the right way, never embarrassed himself, his family or the game and has been an adamant advocate of racial equality in baseball since his retirement. Despite his personal feelings, his prerecorded congratulations of Bonds was the mark of a true gentleman. As for Bonds, what can we say that hasn’t been said a million times? Nothing, so we won’t. We understand the outrage. The touchdown, the jump shot, the goal – none of them compare in the imagination to the home run. Regardless of individual sports’ popularities, the home run will always be the holy grail of sports accomplishments. So we’re more protective of it than any other single sports play. But is the record truly tainted? Over half of the players who have been caught using performance-enhancing substances have been pitchers. So it would stand to reason that a good number of the guys throwing to B2 have been on the juice. Double-negative? During the 70’s, there was a huge, “greenies”, scandal. Schmidt, Garvey and Charlie Hustle were all amp(h)ed up. So if we’re going to put an asterisk by Bonds, do we need to give one to Lou Brock and his base-stealing numbers? The bottom line is that Bonds is a hell of a baseball player. Who probably cheated at some point in his career in order to succeed. But doesn’t that just make him more like the average guy, not less? And that’s what makes the home run so special. The average 35 year-old guy in America still honestly feels he could be a major league baseball player, if only he could hit a curveball out of the yard…Recent scattershot target Mike Evans? Dead also. We need to stop this, (while wondering what ever happened to W)…Don’t look now, but the Uniform Theory is on the verge of being proven yet again. Last year’s last-place Arizona Diamondbacks went from this to this. Today they are in first place…We loved Drew Brees for taking advantage of Philip Rivers’ holdout a few years ago to resurrect his career. We just don’t see Charlie Frye doing the same in Cleveland…A note to Senator Larry Craig (R), ID: If you need to say, “I am not gay. I never have been gay. I did nothing wrong at the Minneapolis airport.", chances are a) you probably did something at the Minneapolis airport and b) you probably don’t need to be making any kind of statement at all. Doesn’t he know what happened to Jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain? All we know is we will not be tapping our toes to the Billy Joel in our iPod at the airport anytime soon...Well, except on Tuesdays, when we dress like Marilyn…Ah Merv, we hardly knew ye…Henry Charles James playes six years in the NBA, for the Cavs, Clips, Jazz, Rockets, Kings and Hawks. He’s retired now and works as a free-lance pharmaceutical salesman in Fort Wayne, Indiana. At least he did until he was caught selling his wares -- 5+ grams of crack cocaine – on two separate occasions. Looking to prepare his youngsters for their future in sales, James brought along his six children on the last deal. The kids ranged in agr from three months to six years. Bearing in mind how much attention Michael Vick has garnered for the dogfighting, we ask – how many of you knew about the James story before reading about it just now? That’s what we thought…So Lance Briggs totals his car, flees the scene, reports the car stolen, recants ten minutes later – and isn’t interviewed by the cops until the next afternoon? I wonder how they’d treat us in that situation. Better yet – and more on-point – I wonder how they would have treated Briggs if the Bears sucked last year…When making your late-round NFL fantasy picks, bear in mind this nugget: Only one quarterback has thrown for more than 4,000 yards in each of the last three seasons.: Trent Green, now of the Miami Dolphins…And finally, this week’s Traditionalist Award goes to US District Judge John G. Koeltl, who upheld New York State’s ban on metal bats in high school contests. Baseball was meant to be played with wood! OK, sure, the reason they enacted the ban was for the safety of the players, but who really cares about high school kids? It’s not like they’re dogs, or anything.
Until next time,
Paz