...while wondering what ever happened to Dan Quayle:

Ah Ann, we hardly knew ye. The late Governess still holds a place on our Top Ten Bumper Sticker List with her, “A Woman’s Place is in the Dome” slogan. Some favorite quotes: During a blackout in the Capitol building on the last day of a legislative session, “That’s ok. I do my best work in the dark.”, and the famous, “Poor George – he was born with a silver foot in his mouth.” Her send-off will be grand affair, with William J., walking her to the rotunda, where she will lie in state, and eulogies by Henry Cisneros and Senator Hillary Rodham-Clinton. Tourists can then head on over to the Austin City Limits Music Festival and catch, among others, John Mayer, Aimee Mann, Tom Petty and Willie. Ann Richards was 73…Five observations after Week One in the NFL: 1) The Green Bay Packers are as bad as they look. 2) The Denver Broncos are not. 3) The Dallas Cowboys should have gone after Drew Brees in the offseason. Just like we said. 4) Philadelphia will win the NFC East. Just like we said. 5) The San Francisco 49’ers will be nobody’s pushover this season…This just in from the, You’ve got to be Shitting Me Department: The only NFL quarterback to pass for over 4,000 in each of the last four seasons is – Trent Green? Who knew. With him out the next two games, look for the Chiefs to roll out to an 0-4 start. Apparently Herm Edwards is French for “Mo Cheeks”, which in turn is Italian for, “great guy, but can’t coach worth a damn.”…Idiot of the Week goes to Mark Downs, Jr., of Allentown, Pennsylvania who, when coaching his little league baseball team in practice for their upcoming championship game, attempted to pay one of the players to bean the team’s autistic kid, so he couldn’t play in the game. This is wrong on so many levels. Poor Corky…Cincinnati, Ohio will be staging what they inexplicably proclaim with pride to be the World’s Largest Chicken Dance. We have no further comment on this item, except to restate that at our wedding there will be no: Chicken Dance, Cel-a-bra-tion, We Are Fam-i-ly or Electric Slide. (why is there always a white guy in the back of these pictures who just can't seem to get the steps down?) If the bride is a girl from back home, there will also be no Mummers Strut. There will be a pre-nup to enforce this, if need be…Keeping the idiocy in Allentown, it may indeed be hard to keep a good man down, but apparently it’s not so hard to turn him in. Acting Sherriff James Cavallo, Sr. was watching television the other night when they showed security camera footage of a local bank robbery. They then did the perfunctory, “if you recognize this guy, let us know” thing. Cavallo recognized the guy – his son – and walked down the hall to arrest him. The elder Cavallo is now officially a finalist for Scattershooting’s Dad of the Year Award…The Sierra Club is leading the charge to stop the sale of toy jewelry containing lead. Huh? You mean they still sell jewelry with lead in it to kids!?!?!? Kind of explains Arkansas, eh?...Man of the Week goes to New York Times Chairman Arthur Sulzberger, Jr., who, along with the Assistant Chairman, is taking a voluntary pay cut in the neighborhood of $2Million this year. The money will go into an employee bonus pool…This just in from the Department of Meaningless Trivia: Oliver Stone and Tommy Lee Jones have the exact same birth date: 15 September 1946…Because you have always wanted to know how many ounces of water you can boil with the candles from your next birthday cake, go here...On Saturday, Kidd Springs Park in Dallas, Texas will hold Recovery in the Park, a celebration for recovering alcoholics and drug addicts. There will be, “games, prizes and music – coolers welcome.” What can we say to this?...So Jay-Z has ended his retirement of like what, two years, (like any of you knew he was gone), to release his new disc, Kingdom Come. And just to ensure the new stuff would suck bad enough that people would say, “damn, J! You shoulda stayed retired!”, he enlisted the help of Coldplay (the absolute worst band in the annals – or was it anus? – of music) frontman Chris Martin to produce a track…The Louisiana Superdome will reopen on September 25th, with a Saints/Falcons game on Monday Night Football. The game will be preceded by a performance by U2 and Green Day of their collaboration, “The Saints Are Coming”, their remake of a Skids song. The cool part here is that the performance, though aired live on ESPN, will be available on Rhapsody as both a live feed and a subsequent download, with proceeds going to the ultra-cool Music Rising, a school instrument replacement program for the Gulf area, founded by U2’s The Edge…For one of the more unique outlooks on the steroids in athletics issue, from the San Francisco Chronicle, go here...Man of the Week, South American Division goes to one of our faves, President Hugo Chavez, of Venezuela. Mr. Chavez warned the world that if Iran is invaded over its nuclear program, his country has their back. Now, with all the oil that’s in Venezuela, my guess would be that Iran’s relatively safe. Unless, that is, King George gets congress to pass massive Alaska drilling. Beyond all that, however, why shouldn’t Iran have nukes? We do…Construction workers in Mexico discovered a tablet this week with writing on it that has been dated to 900 B.C. Good thing Columbus discovered the place in 1492...If The Black Dahlia is about “Hollywood’s most notorious unsolved murder”, how come we have no idea what it’s about? And since OJ got acquitted, wouldn’t Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman’s murders technically qualify?...and finally, in a nod to the Homeland, we present the following, robbed from an unnamed (because we forgot to cut and paste it) writer and source: “After hitting rock bottom last winter, Philly seems to be in the middle of an under-the-radar resurgence, between Ryan Howard putting the Phillies on his back, the success of Invincible and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Billy King somehow avoiding a mindless Iverson trade (although there's still time), the upcoming Rocky movie, the hysterical M. Night Shyamalan book … I mean, all we're missing is the reunion of D.J. Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince at this point. I'm feeling good things ahead for the Eagles. Can't explain it.” (note that we reccommended Sunny last year, even before Danny DeVito joined the cast.) If you truly want to understand Philadlephians, go see Invincible, then rent the first season of Sunny. Then hate us all you want.
Until next time,
Paz


ps: Why is this on the first page of photos when we google image "Vince Papale"?