...while wondering what ever happened to Gene Tenace

***RETRACTION***
Last week's edition inadvertently stated that Patsy Ramsey did not murder her small child. We stand corrected...What is in the water in Oakland, some kind of retro-juice? First Al Davis goes with throwback coach Art Shell to lead his Raydahs. Then the team re-signs 348 year-old Jeff George , who has not played in five years, at quarterback. When asked why?!?!?!?!, the apparently stoned Coach Shell replied, "I've always been intrigued by the guy and couldn't figure out why a talent like him doesn't spend his years in one place." Ummm, because he sucks? Because he's an asshole? Because there are 29 other organizations that know what they are doing? But wait, there's more to the Bay Area Nostalgia Tour '06! Across the parking lot from Oakland/Alameda/Network Associates/Novell/Whateverthehellitisthisweek Coliseum, at -- the Arena (now there's a name), the Warriors have rehired one Donald Arvid Nelson as head coach. What's next, Jerry Brown as mayor? Oh, wait a minute. They already did that one...Why I Hate Texas, Reason 472: The Dallas city council is currently considering a ban on -- baggy pants. Yes, in a city that ranks fifth in the nation in murders, seventh in aggravated assaults and in the top ten in rapes, the leaders of Texas' second-largest city are bearing the full weight of their office on hip hop. Now, if you wear pants that are six sizes too big for you, you look like a dumbass, no two ways about it. But to make it illegal? OK, just for a minute, let's play along. If we accept the argument that this style of dress, which typically reveals two to three inches of the top of a male's boxer shorts is, "perilously close to lewdness", as Mayor Laura Miller -- a Democrat, at that -- says, how is it ok to wear a halter top with no bra? How is it ok to wear a sports bra which, by its very name is underwear? So those two must go. Skirts too because, with the average wind speed in Dallas, Texas being .4 miles per hour faster than Chicago, Illinois, females in skirts are perilously close to lewdness, don't you think? And then there's the whole matter of colors. Blue is out -- Crips. Red too -- Bloods. White is out of the question. Anglos already run every aspect of society. We'll be damned if whitey gets to dress us in his color, too! Pink offends gays. Yellow pisses off the incontinent (pun semi-intended). Black scares the white people. Orange riles up the Catholics. Green encourages marijuana usage. The evil person who created Barney also took out a trademark on purple, so that's out. What are we left with? Oh, I know -- brown! Yeah, brown!! We can dress everyone in brown -- especially the children! We can make brown uniforms for the Youth, with little shorts. Wait, this sounds familiar...Acts III and IV of Spike Lee's When the Levees Broke were just as powerful as the first two. When it comes out on DVD, buy this film. My guess would be that proceeds will go to relief efforts. Kill two birds with one stone, or click here to donate...Let's see how much the media gives a damn about the Gulf area after they milk the one year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. What's the over-under on nation media stories on the state of the region in one week? My money is on Zero...Interesting notes on the Nellie to Golden State story: The W's have had eight coaches in the 12 years since Nelson left. None have lasted more than two seasons. None had a .500 record. The last coach to take the team to the playoffs -- Don Nelson, in his final full season. The strangest thing about this return to the Bay is the fact that, after he left the team in 1994 and took a job as the NYKnicks head coach, Warriors owner Chris Cohan sued Nelson to get back the salary he had already paid Nellie. The litigation dragged through the end of the century. Literally. Just three months ago, Nelson was quoted as saying, "I'll never work for that man again." Fortunately for Cohen, Don has no problem working for Mr. Benjamin and his one hundred thousand or so cousins. Fortunately for Nelson, he won't have Chris "Big Mouth, No Rings" Webber throwing him under the bus at every turn. Now if only Mully can sign himself out of the front office then make a run at Timmy Hardaway, then they'll be in business!...So John Karr confesses to a murder he didn't commit, gets arrested, extradited back to the United States and is subsequently cleared by (the lack of) DNA evidence. OK. Bill him for all costs associated with the arrest, charge him with any possible crime you can for this -- then plead it all out in exchange for his being barred from writing a book or profiting in any way from it. Then advise the family to sue for emotional trauma. Oh, wait -- the family killed her. Forget that part...Getting back to the baggy pants for a second, this is not a new fashion trend. People have been dressing like idiots for years. The only difference is that now the trend has trickled down to the white kids. That is what scares the hell out of the Dallas City Council. I mean, who cares what they do in the ghetto -- but don't you dare allow our virtuous white kids be sullied by "urban" culture. Honestly though, who do you think will be jacked up against a wall for violating the city's dress code -- Trevor or Tyrell?...And finally, we'd like to wish a happy 14th birthday to the lovely Chelsea. Thank you for the happiest 5,115 days a father could ever have.

Until next time,
Paz