...while wondering what ever happened to my youth

There are only a handful of times in one's life when he can say precisely where he was at a certain moment. Be it the morning of September 11, 2001, the moment the Challenger exploded or something else, these "stand out" moments are few and far between.

At 10:00pm last night, I had one of those moments. At that moment, exactly six years prior, I was on the small dance floor at the piano lounge of the Hotel Adolphus in Dallas, Texas, dancing with the most amazing lady I have ever met.

August 6, 1998 was the day my close friend Cliff was married to his lovely fiancee Jenny. I was the best man. My date was elegant and graceful. It was a special evening. The reception ended fairly early and the two of us headed downtown. We dined at the French Room, an amazing five-star restaurant inside the hotel, (which, by the way, was where President Kennedy was leaving from on that November 1964 afternoon that serves as another stand out moment for so many).

After dessert, we sat in the lounge, listening to the piano. Back then I spent a good deal of time there. Living across the street, it was a convenient place to bring dates for a drink. I also enjoyed going there alone, emerging myself in the ambiance. My respite from the grind. Augustí­n always had a glass of wine at the ready as I entered and the piano player always managed to work in some DeBussy for me. As midnight approached on this evening, I walked my date to the dance floor. As the first notes of my favorite piece played, I leaned down to my daughter, kissed her cheek and told her how much her Daddy loves her.

It was the most wonderful birthday of my life.

~

I turned 36 last night. I've never really had a problem with age, but this one has been tough. I mean, at 36 you're almost 40. 40!!! I suppose that's alright, but I'm looking around at what I have -- and I'm not seeing much. Shouldn't there be more "stuff"? A house? A wife? Savings? A freaking clue about where I will be in five years...five days?!?!? I'd have a midlife crisis, but I probably couldn't afford it.

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So I go on.

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Due to the vagariess of life after divorce and the bitterness it can produce, I have been prevented from seeing my daughter for any more than a few times in the last year. We're able to exchange e-mails, but it's a far cry from the time we spent together while I was still in Dallas. In the end, it's probably going to drive me back there. The logistics and economics of fighting a court battle from two time zones away will more than likely dictate it.

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I always used to think the last scene in The Godfather Part II was so cool. Al Pacino sitting on the park bench, having vanquished his enemies -- real and imagined. Sitting stoically, a man above it all. Over the last five years I have followed a similar path, (without the whole "murder a bunch of guys during my godson's baptism" thing). Through bad decisions and bad luck (much more of the former than the latter), I find myself virtually alone on my path. While the last year out here in California has taught me much about myself, I have learned just as much about life. No man indeed, is an island.

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My run in Texas ended in absolute chaos. More and more it appears I will have to abandon the stability I have developed out here, returning to the proverbial scene of the crime, in order to tend to the only priority that matters: Chelsea.

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We all tend to take stock at watershed moments like birthdays, anniversaries and such and I am obviously no different. We also tend to focus on that which we do not have, which in many ways I suppose I done today. In the end though, we all have much to celebrate. It's just so hard to remember that sometimes.

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I have food every day and never have to worry about how I am going to pay for it. I have a roof over my head and can afford to pay my rent. I wake up every morning and look out the window at the ocean. Hell, I wake up every morning. I have a job that I truly look forward to going to, where I work with genuinely good people. Though now scattered across the country now, I have Esperanza; I have Nelson; I have Denyse and Daniel; Jake and Billyrob -- friends I know will be so until the day we die. I have a faith that, though it wavers, gets me through the toughest parts.

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And I have Chelsea, who knows her Dad loves her and understands he is trying every day to get back to a place where there are no barriers to her relationship with him.

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So while there are many things I do not have, there are many more that I do. In a little over a year, I went from living in a highrise downtown Dallas apartment to crashing at a friend's condo, to literally sleeping on a park bench in South Carolina. Over the course of the past year I have cobbled together the semblance of a life: job, apartment, transportation.

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Who knows what my thirty-seventh year holds?

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Ready or not, here I come.